Naturally, I became older and I've lost my innocence. The world wasn't bright or pink anymore, you know? It was like I was living a dream... Suddenly I woke up.

   About two years back, in the end of summer, I was only sixteen, my height was 1.59m (5 feet and 2.6 inches) and my weight... was 83kg (183 lbs). Ok, I didn't used to pay attention to that stuff and I know I should. But you know how it is... I'm lazy since forever and I enjoy to eat, habits I got from my parents, mostly.

   Back then, I already had one serious disappointment because of love issues. It was from my first love for real, no doubt, and I'll never forget that guy, who have shown me what love is like. So... we've dated like a year long, almost, but we were in a "discreet" relationship. Just my closest friends and his knew. I always thought he was the kind of person who didn't liked to assume responsabilities or to be exposed...

   One day, he broke up with me, 'cause he met a girl he liked. She was a new girl of our class, so he didn't knew her and just in two months he had a crush on her. (Now, almost three years later, they're still together, but that's a different story...) Do not think I got mad at him or at her, not at all! He's still one of my best friends and I'm really happy 'cause he found his soul mate. If that is right for him, I'm thrilled with it!

   But there's one thing I'll never understand... It started to pump in my head imediately after their oficial relationship begin: she was really skinny and he made their love public. What about me? Ours was always hidden and the main difference was about that. He knew me since 3 years back, and he met her like 2 months back, so he couldn't be in love with her personality... He just had paid attention to looks, and that's really not fair. My ego was drowning in a sea of really no self-esteem at all. Whatever, you can imagine what's the feeling...

   There was the first motive I had to start messing with my life. I began to be ashamed of who I am, to think about it that everyday, to imagine that people always looked at me and thought that I was disgusting...

And the first ingredient was joining to the soup... (tomorrow I'll continue with the recipe)

   I'm a portuguese teen girl, who started to develop a really bad disease in the age of sixteen. I guess you all know what I'm talking about: BULIMIA.

   I've always been a fat kid, because of my love for food, and most of all, because of my lazyness... So I was used to hear jokes about my weight since I was little.

   And believe me: When a child hears something said by people she admires or wants to be like, she interiorizes it and starts to believe in them, doing everything just to fit in... She starts creating different strategies to deal with the reality: sometimes she makes fun of herself, in order to antecipate pain, because it's so much harder to hear it by outsiders; other times, she forces herself to believe that doesn't matter, because she will find someone who will love her just like she is; and at last, she accumulates a lot of anger and pain, untill she can't stand it much longer...

   And I grew up, always knowing the fact that I was fat, and there was no problem in that, really, 'cause I felt loved.

But the story goes on... (tomorrow)